I gave you my life. Why you want my soul.

I know women are way more powerful than men. I'm not sure of much in my life but I know that.

That is one of the many reasons I admire but  never trust women. I promise I'm no mysoginist but I struggle with adapting to another person' lifestyle.

Scumbag, criminal , Narcissist, Asshole, Joke, Clown, Idiot, Arrogant, Liar, Cold, Fake, Abusive, Pathetic. Just a few of the words that have been used to describe me. Now I'm not without fault in some scenarios, but many would look at that list  and usually run a mile.

I hate being me it's frustrating being misunderstood a lot of the time, or what if I am those THINGS, do I even deserve to EVER be LOVED. 

Know who understands how to know you

I remember university, I remember being in my first really serious relationship and  calling my father thinking I knew who I was till I had my first real argument with the opposite sex.  See I made the mistake of dating a twin who was a feminist. A feminist for fuck sake. She didn't love me, she just enjoyed commanding a relationship where she had the higher IQ. I felt less of a person than her in 80% of our relationship. 

I remember calling my father after that argument and telling him I don't know who I am anymore. He simply replied to me..... 

" If all else fails remember that you are MY son. You are not only that...... There are more people on this planet that love you as you are. No one else will think about you and your the brother the way I do. I may not always agree with you but I do love you come rain or shine."

I realise there are a lot of people who claim to know you, but value those people who know how to know you, they are priceless. Be it family OR friends. 

The SKY IS THE LIMIT.

“The Sky is the limit” - Probably the most positive thing my parents ever said to me as a kid. 

We often find ourselves limiting our worth and our abilities, especially at a young age because everyone else puts limits on you. From your schools to your families in a lot of cases. At 14 I went through self loathing and bullying for being an inner city estate kid, who was at a affluent high school and wasn’t a fit to the status quo, I even had a teacher who. told my parents I wasn’t worth the time. I got into a lot of things I shouldn’t have. I was never gonna bother with university. But my college tutor forced me to apply cos he valued me, more than I valued myself. To be honest at 18 I was ready to give up and again at 22. I remember being in bed jobless and hopeless, no idea how to get outta my own head and my Dad came to chat with me cos he sensed something was wrong. 

Call it divine intervention or whatever but he told me two things:

1. Be proud to be a Showunmi.
2. The sky is the limit.

Just to let you know I didn’t have an epiphany there and then, but I can tell you that those two  things he said to me are the only two truths I live by and remembering those two things saved my life in more ways than one.

Identity - Does it have to to be fixed or can it be dynamic?

What makes you who you are? Are you happy with it or do you wish to change? Be it the triumphs or struggles, are you what you want everyone to see you as? To put it bluntly I'm a nerd, I'm not ashamed of i,  I'm not boastful of it either. Many wouldn't  it because I love sneakers, Hip hop, Street parties, weightlifting and getting wasted with my childhood friends. Yeah I'm typically a social outcast, even by some of my older cousins who where active on road and maybe doing bits that werent legit. (This is not to say I haven't made my fair share of mistakes). But  thats been a constant identity.

After reflecting a bit I realised I've been a teacher, a student, a friend, an enemy, a lover, ar rolemodel, a writer, a  gymfreak, a villain, a bookworm, a carer, a motivator, a fanatic, an idealist, a blogger,  a  poet, a gamer, a son, a brother, a grafter, a manager, a pessimist, an athelete, a coach, a biker, a follower and a leader. Apparent evidence that an identity can change with time.

But this isn't the only angle to do it from, my experiences this past year have definitely had an eye opener in 2017 .I lost my Grandfather and almost lost my Godbrother last year. Both evoked very different characcter emotions. My Grandfather was suffering severely from Dementia and caused me to adopt a responsibility to help others who suffeed what my Grandad and his family went through forcing me to be more compassionate and sympathetic. Now anyone who knows me well knows how  much my Godbrother means to my brother and I. When I found out what happenecd to him, my brother and I had no hesitation about making someone answer for it. At the same time, I had no idea what I was gonna do if he hadn't survived. He was probably more of a brother to mine than I ever was, so safe to say it gave me more of a reason to be cynical of outsiders.

I've also  let down some people I thought the most of or thought the most of me. At the end of it all I have to remember that I'm not perfect and accept the mistakes I made, I can only hope they don't think any less of me, and those that let me down I feel no ill will anymore only that they learned a lesson from it. Definitely revealed to me that not everybody can get on with you, but the greatest thing I can take from it is that these people held me to a higher standard. Gave me more a reason to valuemy opinion more than I ever have.

At the end of the day Instagram and Facebook is a great playform to create your identitythrough a lens buyyouultimately are the sum ofa constantly changing journey. I guess start being proud of what you are now and keep pushing the boundaries don't limit your possiblities by categorising your identity. Surprise someone and let them surprise you..

Regards,
KONG.

2016 was.........

The year my mother officially became proud of me. The year I moved into a house. The year I lost love again.The year I almost lost my job. The year of the Dab. The year we left the EU.The year Donald Trump won the US election.The year my brother moved to London. The year I spent at SUBWAYS religiously. The year I did Tough Mudder. The year I learned I was a lot cooler than I thought. The year I went to Scotland.The year I lost my focus . The year I gained my focus. The year David Atteborough survived. The year I fell in love with Zoos. The year the Cowboys look Superbowl contenders 


All in all I think it was the year I grew up. I've grown up, I think. It's good and sad really. I frequently dwell on the past and worry way too much about my future. On the other hand, this is the closest I've been with my Mother since I could walk to be fair, and my brother went from being a colossal pain, to being one of my best friends.

2016 was a disaster, but probably the best one I've had in a while.

The Slip up ( No Days Off Pt .2)

Don't relax it's a waste of your time. I'm not saying don't reflect on your achievements by all means do so; but for God's sake don't relax. It's only the beginning have your own goals don't just go with the flow. There's a monologue cut away on Logic's new album,nThe Incredibile True Story same song name. Which goes "You'll be doing things you don't like doing  in order to go on living that is to go on doing something you don't like doing which is totally stupid". I couldn't agree more. Almost did it but my Father  reminded me that my potential  is yet to be unleashed. Thank God for Biodun. I'm gonna  be relentless.......#NoDaysOff 

What's important to me right me right now?

I'm 26 in January and I'm still not too sure what's important to me right now. Is it piece of mind? If so I'm still struggling to look at myself in the mirror every morning despite my reluctant narcissism and forced moral compass. Is it money? That seems to be a endless pursuit in being able to earn more and spend more, and considering my inability to give or share without emotions. That Achilles heel will forever haunt me. Is it love? Well first, love from who my family or the romantic ideals sold to me through watching  too much Pocahantis and Romeo & Juliet;  along with vigorous deciphering of every Wale ballad I come acros (I couldn't resist some self mockery) and in that respect I think ability to trust anyone probably resembles that of a corpse after a failed autopsy.

I guess my point is what should be important to me right now. This post is more a search for advice from other POVs. Just to clarify this is NOT exercise in self pity, more  like a harsh self appraisal.

Peaces.