What's important to me right me right now?

I'm 26 in January and I'm still not too sure what's important to me right now. Is it piece of mind? If so I'm still struggling to look at myself in the mirror every morning despite my reluctant narcissism and forced moral compass. Is it money? That seems to be a endless pursuit in being able to earn more and spend more, and considering my inability to give or share without emotions. That Achilles heel will forever haunt me. Is it love? Well first, love from who my family or the romantic ideals sold to me through watching  too much Pocahantis and Romeo & Juliet;  along with vigorous deciphering of every Wale ballad I come acros (I couldn't resist some self mockery) and in that respect I think ability to trust anyone probably resembles that of a corpse after a failed autopsy.

I guess my point is what should be important to me right now. This post is more a search for advice from other POVs. Just to clarify this is NOT exercise in self pity, more  like a harsh self appraisal.

Peaces.

The relentless search for the Perfect Image

.At the age of 11, I was about 5"4, skinny and a victim of bullying an extremely tough childhood being my 1st high school was all boys school. This was the beginning of my self loathing period. I was depressed, withdrawn from my family and extremely emotional. Being the son of immigrants there was a lack of understanding between my parents and I. There were always jokes about my ectomorphic frame, referring to me as just 'skin and bones'. As I got a lot older I began to use clothes as a way of skilfully disguising my insecurities. Albeit I still felt the same inadequacy in myself when at home. 

The journey of university began and I will admit my 1st year was not the most healthy one for me. Constant alcohol abuse thanks to fully immersing myself in the university lifestyle of going out almost every night. After that I took up American Football. It was a way to vent and I loved it. However my lack in size often left me feeling like coaches didn't take me seriously and admittedly I began to play with a chip on my shoulder with incidents where my temper got the better of me whiles playing. I was to put it bluntly so bloody sick of being small.

About a year ago I began to go to gym. At first I went every now and then then when I started a full time job it grew into a "magnificent obsession as the Godfather CT Fletcher would say. Every now and then became everyday and then three times In one day. It became my stress therapy, when I was feeling down or angry surround myself with weights Having a brother that developed the same enjoyment or admiration of the gym encouraged a competitive attitude. It also helps that most of my gym partners tended to be a lot stronger than me so it helped my motivation.

What I have noticed is my new addiction has insighted a desire to obtain the perfect looking anatomy. Shallow right? I know. However that leads me to ask the question 'What is the perfect anatomy?' Arnold Schwarzenegger, Henry Cavill,  in man of steel, Mike Rashid, Dwayne Johnson; all admirable forms. I often was jealous when girls I know or even dated drooled over males that boasted spartan like bodies.

I  find myself spending unsurmountable amounts of time trying to find that perfect body in the weights, sweat and pain. The issue is that I find people around me don't understand the way I feel and tell me that what I'm doing isn't normal or it doesn't matter that mother nature gave me what i have and be grateful but they didn't have to endure the constant jesting at my expense of sense masculinity.

That's just how I feel

A Foreign perspective: The Blacker the Berry?..........Then why am I so b...

A Foreign perspective: The Blacker the Berry?..........Then why am I so b...: My name is Adeife Alfred Kofi Olatokunbo Abiodun King Showunmi. I am a second generation African British citizen in England. I am the son o...

The Blacker the Berry?..........Then why am I so bitter

My name is Adeife Alfred Kofi Olatokunbo Abiodun King Showunmi. I am a second generation African British citizen in England. I am the son of Abiodun Wole Showunmi and Hannah Sophia Baaba Dougan. I was raised in North West London in the 1990's. I was a Brit being raised by Africans, although I aggressively disassociated myself from England's culture. If you ask me why this is, I will tell you I was an African and proud. At my primary and secondary schools African Brits were a rarity and we were often the subject of primitive related jokes (which I would later understand to be racism). It was hard, even to socialize with Caribbean British communities proved a challenge. I often felt that they autonomously adopted a state of self proclaimed pompousness. I felt as if they assumed that being in England longer than Africans somehow gave them authority to be better than us. Nonetheless I was never one to surrender my culture as beneath another which is something my parents galvanized in me however they were extremely explicit about having work ethic that was greater than my Caucasian counterparts. To be brutally honest I may have sold out on my culture a bit , most of you know who know me will notice that I generally used Alfred as my first name out fear of ridicule and also I came under the impression that it made employers look at my CV differently.

Any way I digress, I am a university and I worked both a blue and a white collar job at the age of 25. I have a wide variety of friends from many cultures and socio economic groups.
However it seems apparent that I have consistently been a cynic of cultural and racial harmony. There was a time I truly thought times were changing until I entered the world on my own without parents and my intellectual curiosity developed. I am constantly seeing EDL and BNP media being posted  freely on social media and via traditional means and I have on numerous occasions been the target of overt racial abuse throughout my life be it the insults or the threat of physical violence. It is still a vexing experience. It makes me wonder whether racism and xenophobia is a relic in British culture and whether the nation chooses to ignore it.

This isn't the case in only England however. The USA is still quite open about the their derogatory stereotypes down south. It was brought to my attention by a mentor of mine that despite having a black president, the conduct of Congress while in session when arguing against Obamacare amongst other issues was abhorrent. shutting down valid arguments for Obamacare with the most inexplicably minor objections I wont speculate into whether it was racially motivated but I was definitely given the impression of that in our conversation. Again Obama has been recently bashed by Fox Network for his comparison of the Christian Crusades on Islamic nations and Slavery being justified by Christianity (which is also my religion) to ISIS being justified by Islam. However long ago it was and how one wants to interpret it, what the President said are facts. The state of cultural prosperity isn't helped by the further murdering of unarmed black US citizens by BOTH civilians and police officers in 2014. Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, Eric Garner, Rumain Brisbon just to name a few.

LA rapper Kendrick Lamar voiced his opinion on the state black culture in modern western society. It was both inflammatory swipe at western society but also interestingly so; a criticism of black culture much closer to home. All in all it saddens me that people including some of my own friends seem to almost ignore and sometimes run from the issue.

Just to clarify I am not a black supremacist, I am not an ISIS sympathizer I am just a an aspiring  professional who is disappointed with the state of affairs in the West.